I just spent the last three days at a silent retreat at the monastery of the Order of Julian of Norwich. No internet connection, so I kept a journal.
Wed. 19 June -- 4-day silent retreat at the Order of Julian of Norwich
It took about two hours to get here. The only slow traffic was on 41. A few miles north of the Tower Rd. on-ramp I found out why it was slow. There are these signs over the roads that flash messages to drivers. Usually the messages are about travel times or road construction. This time it was a possible child abduction alert. I sympathize with efforts made to stop such terrible actions, but I question the wisdom of using this media to do it. The sign gave the make and model of the suspected car, it’s license plate, and a description of the child in question. That’s a lot of information to read while zooming down a crowded highway with people changing lanes all over the place. Shouldn’t we be paying attention to the road and not playing cop? Having been stuck in hours of bumper-to-bumper traffic because someone up the road wasn’t paying attention, I think it’s not asking too much of the highway powers that be to not give drivers anything else to avert their attention.
I made it here just in time for Evensong. I was given a brief tour that ended in the chapel. Good thing Evensong is short. I had a few minutes to settle in, and then Sister Monica gave me the dining instructions. Finally, food -- I was starved. The food was minimal and there wasn’t much of any of it but it was surprisingly filling.
I worked for a while on some things that I brought, then it was time for Corporate Still Prayer followed by Compline. Between the incense and the humidity, and going from air conditioning to outside, my asthma kicked in. I’ll try Compline again tomorrow night. If it happens again, I’ll just forgo that service.
Thurs. 20 July -- Morning Prayer: 0600, ‘nuff sed
Dawn cracks early at the monastery. I really love Morning Prayer so I managed to be there. We had two other visitors this morning, one of whom ate breakfast with us. The members all sat in different seats than they did last night. How am I supposed to keep up with the instructions when they all change seats? Dining is done in silence. Eating, as with everything else, is done in a slow and deliberate fashion. They pray constantly. This is a silent order. They will speak if there’s something important to say, but really, no conversation goes on. They engage in corporate study daily (in which is probably a lot of talking), work around the monastery (gardening, housekeeping, etc.), and recreation (dunno yet, haven’t seen it). They have prayer six-times a day (that includes the Corporate Still Prayer). I plan to go to all (yes, even if it’s at 6 am).
I got further than I thought last night with the work I brought, so this morning I’m going to do some exploring.
(Later) There is much to see here, then there are the doors that say “Monastic Enclosure, Private,” and you know what that does to me. I wouldn’t dare – and that’s saying a lot coming from me. When they ring the bells for meals these people come out of the woodwork. They’re everywhere and they don’t make a sound. Exploring around Seabury is easy because everyone makes so damn much noise. I wanted to have an afternoon cup of tea (which I’m pretty sure is okay to do) and I found myself tippy-toeing into the kitchen for hot water! When I discovered I didn’t have a tea bag in my room I tried to sneak back into the kitchen, only to get cornered at the end of the hall by Brother Gregory, the Guardian of the Order. Suddenly the picture on the wall was fascinating! Of course that’s why I was standing by the kitchen door. *Good grief* Turns out he was returning his afternoon teacup to the kitchen.
(Later still…) I entertained a most delightful visitor this afternoon. Or should I say he entertained my visit. One of my first impressions of this place was that it needed a cat. I spent some time looking through photo albums and found that, just as Julian of Norwich had a cat, so too does this monastery. The first cat was aptly named Hazelnut. Murphy, the current feline brother, is a black longhair. He came to inspect the newest guest. My suitcase was thoroughly examined before turning his attention to me. I earned a deep purring approval. Then he left. Sister Monica tells me that Murphy was named after Murphy’s Irish Stout, which also black and hairy.
Fri. 21 July -- me-me-me-me
I was invited to sing with everyone at Compline last night. I was told not to sing or pray out loud until I was familiar with the way they do things here. Brother Gregory brought me a copy of the Chantbook that the members use and opened it to the Compline page, and placed it before me. He didn’t say anything (again, silent order), but I assumed that he meant for me to join in. I’m used to the Seabury Chapel where we PROJECT our voices, and sing with GUSTO (sometimes). Here at the Julians, everything is very quietly spoken or chanted. A whisper carries.
This morning I’m going to help in the garden. You should see it. It’s really great. Claudia would die. I brought work shorts in the hopes that they would let me play in the dirt with them.
(Later) Murphy, that delightful little scamp, won’t leave me alone. He keeps walking n the keyyynvifguj bboarddd…/
(Later still…) Now that I’ve cleared my head of all the ancillary noise I came here to rid myself of, these are the things I’m pondering now:
1. What are morals?
2. What’s the difference between honesty & truth?
3. How do I determine right from wrong?
4. What is the nature of Christ?
5. Do I want to establish a longer-term relationship with the Order of Julian as an associate or perhaps even an oblate?
6. Where is my story in the Bible story today?
7. What would my ordination mean for the Church?
Sat. 22 July
Yesterday we celebrated the Vigil of the Feast of Mary Magdalene. Sister Monica told me earlier that after Evensong there would be “libations.” There was a distinct twinkle in her eye at this. They break their silence on feast days and their vigils, so there’s much talk at the libations hour and at dinner. They all wanted to know about me. So far I’ve been this silent mysterious person who’s been praying and dining with them for days, and they finally have a chance to chat with me. At dinner they hard-boiled eggs in red food colouring for the feast. There’s an ikon of M. Magdalene holding an egg. The story, I found out last night, is that Magdalene, having been so bold as to say that Jesus rose from the dead, was told that an egg would sooner turn red than that happen. She picked up an egg and behold; it was red! Nice story. Yummy egg.
Father John-Julian, the Founder of the Order came to preside at Eucharist this morning. He sat in on Morning Prayer and conspicuously prayed louder than anyone else. I’d just gotten used to the quietness of the worship here. Then it occurred to me who he was. I guess he can be louder if he wants to be.
It has become very clear to me how my sense of piety differs in this setting. At Seabury there are members who outwardly show their piety more, or less, than others. Here at the monastery they move in unison. I don’t always reverence everything. They use masculine pronouns for God. I don’t. Sister Monica referred to the Holy Spirit as “him” last evening and it caught me. In the Eucharist, which they refer to as Mass, they’ve incorporated some Roman Catholic phrases and gestures.
Last evening they had a Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament complete with incense and a humeral. Impressive. I haven’t seen that since I went to a Greek Orthodox Divine Office. They say they do this to recognize vowed communities of all churches. The fact that I disagree with Roman Catholic traditions on several key issues aside, I think it’s probably one of the best examples of genuine and respectful ecumenism. We talk a lot about ecumenical movements, but they seem to have just gone ahead and done it. Just to be clear, it is still foremost an Anglican order.
I guess I’m becoming more “low church” than I thought. I love the smells & bells and all, but all that reverencing was an awful lot of motion. Someone once sent around a survey at Seabury of the kind of services we liked. I described “high church” as the only right and true way to worship God. For “low church” I wrote something like Big Al and the Bear Jamboree. Maybe a washboard and harmonica isn’t so bad after all.
Their chapel space is new, built in 1998. It has a most excellent design, especially the lighting. Much of the works are hidden behind doors with private signs on them (*shrug/sigh*), leaving the sanctuary space very clean. I’d have to draw you a picture. It would take too long to write it all out. Trust me though; it’s an esthetically beautiful and impressively functional space.
I’ll leave later on today, after another office and feast. Brother Gregory, the Guardian, offered to break the rental car so that I would stay longer. I’m going to talk with him later about visiting again – soon (and whether breaking a rental car is really a good thing).
Some final thoughts before I leave:
Prayer before Compline from their liturgy book:
God, of your goodness, give me yourself,
for you are enough to me,
and I can ask nothing that is less
that can be full honor to you.
And if I ask anything that is less,
I shall always be in want,
for only in you have I all.
Scrawled next to it someone added this:
The sound I couldn’t hear
stopped and
I was deaf to the silence.
